WHEN Ros and John Foley suffered two miscarriages within six months, they were truly heartbroken.

John, Ros and Ted Foley

They had desperately wanted a brother or sister for their son Ted. It was only counselling from the Christian organisation Cedar Oak that kept Ros from despair.

So when they discovered there was a special church service for couples who had suffered baby loss, they were interested. Despite not being churchgoers, they went to the service at Chichester Cathedral – and found it beautiful and uplifting.

Now the Gosport couple plan to come to a similar service – entitled Saying Goodbye – at Portsmouth Cathedral, at 3pm on March 29.

Ros, 44, said: “I had my first miscarriage in July 2012. I was three days away from my 12-week scan. My husband and I were heartbroken, and the months that followed were truly difficult in many ways. 

“In December 2012 I had a second miscarriage, and I struggled to process how this could happen again. I’d been receiving counselling from Cedar Oak and as 2013 got underway I started to feel brighter. The due date for the first loss arrived, and I felt the sadness and despair all over again. The ladies at Cedar Oak kept me afloat. 

“I had come across ‘Saying Goodbye’ through the Miscarriage Association online, and I read through the details of the Saying Goodbye services. I felt compelled to search for my nearest service.

“I used to go to church as a child – my dad was in the Navy, so we went to St Andrew’s Free Church in HMS Sultan. But I don’t go now.

“In June 2013, we went to Chichester Cathedral. It was truly beautiful. I had doubts about going about an hour before, but actually it was so uplifting, a release from some of the sadness. I shed some sad tears, and some sweet tears.”

The service included a moving talk, poetry, beautiful songs by Lara Martin, and the chance to light tea lights for the children who had been lost. Handbells were handed out and rung to remember each child. 

“It was comforting to be in the presence of other women and men affected by baby loss, people who understood the grief we were dealing with,” said Ros. “The words and music were uplifting, and strangely refreshing. I would not describe myself as a religious person, but the service felt very spiritual.

“To anyone who has suffered the loss of a child, at whatever stage of their life, I would recommend attending a Saying Goodbye service. You don’t have to join in, you don’t have to sing, you can sit quietly if that is how you feel. No-one is watching, no-one is judging how you grieve. I found comfort in the words sung and spoken, and friends who have attended have felt the same.

“We actually stayed in the cathedral for a while afterwards, just bathing in the feelings that we still felt because of the service.”

The Saying Goodbye services around the UK are organised by Zoe and Andy Clark-Coates, who have lost five babies themselves. They created the Mariposa Trust, which Saying Goodbye is part of. The services take place in cathedrals and minsters around the UK. For details, see www.sayinggoodbye.org.